Writing Essay

Just how to make an application for an Academic Job and Also Summon the Ancient Mesopotamian Demon Pazuzu

by Ross Bullen

Look out for job postings into the places that are usual the Chronicle of Higher Education, faculty listservs, and esoteric manuscripts hidden in the Vatican library. Pay particular attention to jobs located close to the Tigris and Euphrates rivers within the Fertile Crescent region. Job ads printed in Sumerian cuneiform should go into the “definitely apply” pile. Same goes for any job that gives to pay you in livestock, grain, or small trinkets that are golden. For you, try staring into a broken mirror and saying the name of the school 666 times if you’re not sure if a job is right. If the mirror starts to bleed, you’re definitely in the right track.

  • outline major scholastic achievements, in reverse chronological order, recorded in the blood of a newly-slaughtered ram
  • position the document that is finished an envelope, and then place the envelope in a 3,000-year-old Babylonian urn, that you should bury beneath the search committee chair’s office
  • make sure to include graduate transcripts, an writing that is academic, and a mummified goat fetus in order to make your application really be noticeable
  • List every one of the worldly goods (grain reserves, coin hoards, first-born children) you'd be ready to sacrifice in order to get this essaywriter job. Continue Reading →